I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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