my phone needs a breathalizer
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
