My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So much rum. So many feels.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
