I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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