i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
