Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
