oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
