I wish I could teleport
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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