I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
