My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
