Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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