Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
