i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
