you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
