the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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