Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
