Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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