Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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