I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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