you're like a bully in the Christmas story
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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