I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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