I just made out with a guy for $7.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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