When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
