It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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