he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
is it fun? or sober?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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