Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
