The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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