I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I need moral support for this bender
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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