well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
