The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
