nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
