So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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