i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
