Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize