fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
