we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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