go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
