Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
