If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
