Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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