dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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