Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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