He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
