Barsexuality is the new black.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
