boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
