a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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