Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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