you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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