apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
