It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
