I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I want to fling myself into the sun
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
