my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
