a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
