Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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