I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize