Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
